Thought About Life (Part 1)

A woman was revived from near death experience. She suffered from flesh eating disease that she contacted when she was on holiday overseas. The doctor had to amputate all of her limbs to save her. She had to be taken care at ICU after the surgery. Her chance of survival was very slim, said the the doctor. Yet, she survived the ordeal.

I put down my newspaper and was wondering why we cling to life. I'd rather be dead than have my arms and legs amputated. My able body is my life. I think we cling to life after we are given life. If we're honest, there's no single soul in this world that voluntarily wants to be born. The starting existence of our lives is predetermined by our biological parents.

I think about life sometimes. I am grateful at one time and ungrateful at other time. Thought about life resurfaced after reading that article. Thought about life in general and my life.

Why are we here? Why were we born? Why do we live? Personally, I am asking myself, do I have to be grateful to be alive? Do I have to live my life for the sake of it? Should I carry on with my life because I am given life? These are some questions that pop up in my head. There is an outburst of emotions when I think about it. Anger, anxiety, fear, rebellious, sad and nihilistic are some that I can list down.

I feel like an ingrate now.

Other people probably are on death row by now and wish that they could avoid it. While others are probably struggling with life threatening disease and wish that they could live a little bit longer by having one of the body part cut off.

... And here I am with an able body and a sound mind, philosophizing about life with nihilistic view.

Part 2

On Raising a Child

A human has a limited life span. So ideally we are expected to make good choices to benefit our lives. There's no reset button to undo the choices we have made. Thus, we wish we would've taken that choice. Some people keep going on with their life and live with the consequences, but some people express their unfilled dreams and wishes through their children. As if these kids are the younger versions of themselves.

Kids come from their parents, but they and their lives don't belong to the parents. It's a good idea to share one's thoughts about what is ideal for them. But you shouldn't guide them to that ideal. It's for them to decide. One should pursue and live according to their passion. Even though it may not be the best choice according to others.

Parents will say that they don't want their children to make the same mistakes. But, I say, let them learn their lessons. Life without mistakes isn't worth living. How can you taste the sweetness of success if you never taste the bitterness of failure?

I won't have any particular expectation for my kid if I have one. As long as he can be self sufficient and able to feed himself and his loved ones, I'll be just happy at that.

Questioning My Ethic

I met my parents today. They were stopping by for a few hours before catching the next plane to their next destination.

Each time I meet my parents, I end up contemplating how feeble we are when we become old. My mom is going to have a surgery to remove the cyst in her ovary on January next year. I noticed that my dad's face shows onset face weakness. He said that it's because he's often exposed to the wind, but I don't think so. It's a symptom of light stroke and it will come one day.

I am sad sometimes, because I can't afford a holiday for my parents. The fact that I can't even afford medical support for my parents is more saddening. My dad has passed his retirement age, but his company keeps hiring him because he's a good employee. For the moment, my parents don't need my financial support for medical treatment or holiday, but one day, the day will come and that's frightening! I barely can support my life and I have to stretch my money until the next payday.

I am seeing myself as an individualist. I'm exercising my life goals and dislike anything that's in my way to achieve the goals. One day, my parents will become unable to support themselves and be my burden and hindrance for my future achievements. Even though I am financially independent, in the back of my head, it's nice to have the thought that I can ask for some financial support in the time of need. The motive to use my parents as financial tool is torturing me!

I keep having dialog with myself. One side is comforting my motive. My parents have lived a full life, so I shouldn't feel sorry if I am using them. I still have a long life waiting ahead if I don't die because of crime, persecution or accident. But, the other side of myself is condemning me! It keeps asking where's my ethic? Isn't it a norm that grown ups should support their parents financially whether they can afford or not? The evil side of me defends, "FUCK the norm!!! My parents bring me to this world to carry on their legacy. They are using me as a tool too. So it's a win-win solution."

An individualist need not be an egoist, but the border is a paper thin. It is a problematic matter.

Hostel Living

I lived in a three-story building. There was a restaurant on the ground floor. I had a huge living room with a pool table, WII, and a TV and DVD player. My living room also had a big ice cream freezer and a big refrigerator filled with booze.

I didn't own the whole place. I rented just a bunk bed on the third floor. I shared my bedroom with seven people. Depending on the season, sometimes the room could be filled with a bunch of noisy travelers, a quiet solo traveler or just myself.

Living in a hostel was like living in a student dorm. It was a thrilling life experience that I had never learned formally in school. Hostel living never ceased to amuse me. New faces everyday and new friends to go out with on weekends. Life was good. I lived in the hostel for over a year.

Too bad, good things have to come to an end. They left the hostel one by one. Some had to go back to their home countries to continue their studies and some had to go to other country for work.

Life began to be lonely without your friends. Of course, I still met a couple of great people at the hostel. But, they didn't stay for long. I was reluctant to keep in touch with new acquaintances.

My hostel doesn't accommodate a long staying guest. There were a few occasions that I had to change dorm. That was when a group of guests is booking my dorm. I had to shift to another dorm, even though I had had paid the dorm for a month. The hostel became so noisy when they arrived. Moving my stuffs to another dorm and moved them back to my dorm was troublesome. That was why I moved out from the hostel and rent a room at a shared flat.

Sometimes, I miss the time to linger at the hostel lounge while talking with my friends. We used to talk about how our days were, gossiping who was with whom or which guests that had offended another guests. Those were good times.

Journey of Self Discovery

My parents were born after the second world war. I think, their perception of a successful life is similar with those of the older generation. Study well, get a good job, work hard, get married, have kids, retire, and die happily.

I wanted to have a big house with a pool when I was a kid. I don't know why I wanted it. Probably it would be cool to have one. I wanted to be an engineer when I was at elementary, because I wanted to invent a time machine. I wanted to be an architect when I was in high school. I didn't have passion for buildings, but I like drawing. My graduation grade wasn't enough to enroll to architecture school. So, I chose design school to the dismay of my parents.

I work for two years in my hometown. I didn't have intention to move to Jakarta. But, a turn of event made me to do it. I was fired. The company was a start up company and didn't have enough cash flow to keep the company running.

I thought my journey of self discovery would stop after moving to the capital city. I became wary and questioning myself, "Have I been successful? Am I happy? Am I at the end of my journey?"

I set my eyes to Singapore. I thought I could settle down and spend my life in this new country. I was wrong. That questions keep haunting me like ghost from the past.

Australia is my next destination. Will I be settling there? I don't know. Time will help me to answer it.

Journey of self discovery is a journey of a life time and it is redefined after I reach a goal in life.

My parents measure happiness by how much they have. I measure my happiness by how much I experience.