So That Was Why...

I thought we had strong chemistry when we first met. We had good conversation and seemed like we enjoyed being with each other. I was being genuine and very interested in him. It seemed like he felt the same too. But, there was something in his responses to my jokes that he was implying he didn't want any attachment. I said to myself maybe because he hadn't known me much yet and didn't want to rush into something. A few months has passed, the hints are still there. His body language and the way he addresses me indicate that he was distancing himself from any romantic associations. He calls me his friend or just by my name when we are among his friends or family. Even after we celebrated our first anniversary, he is still the same.

One day, I found out the truth. He never really likes me in the first place. Fifty percent. That was his reply to his friend, when he was asked how much he likes me. I also found out that he often tells his friends how boring I am. The most shocking truth is that he liked the girl he met before me more. He was more passionate in his conversation with her. He told his friend about the other girl more passionately than when he tells about me. It hurts me so much!!!

I would have left him if I was in better financial position. I can't leave him now because I have nowhere to go. I won't survive. He gives me shelter and food.

My life is cursed! I see him everyday. The more I see him, the more I hate him. But, I won't survive by myself. Sometimes, I distance myself from him. Because I can't stand being in the same room with him. Sometimes, I don't tell where I am going, because I don't think it would matter. Even though he often asks me to tell my whereabouts. What an asshole! Why would you care where I am? FUCK OFF ALREADY!!!

I REALLY despise you!!! I HATE YOU!!!


What's Next?

I submitted my graduation project yesterday. I still can't believe that I have so much free time now. I was so used to sleepless nights or getting worried of not getting good marks. Those worries are behind me now. But, I am starting to feel restless about life beyond studies.

I am not completely clueless about my to do list. I had been studying Japanese, Spanish and Latin before starting my postgraduate studies. The self-studies have been postponed for two years. So continuing to learn those languages is already on my list.

Studying has allowed me to embrace my individuality. To become my own person. Rather than being a machine, one of many, in a corporate world. But, it came with a consequence. I became financially unstable. It is such an irony. The world that I so despised is my financial salvation.

And so... the job hunting begins....

A Concerned Future Graduate

Is getting a higher qualification will secure you a better employment?

It seems like it when I was not pursuing my post graduate degree. I was under qualifications for the jobs I wanted. So I decided to save my salary to pursue Master's Degree in Multimedia Design. During the first week into my first semester, I felt like I could make my dreams come true.

I am in my last semester now about to graduate in six months. My graduation project is about UX design because it's my career aspiration after leaving university. I have little confidence about my qualifications. I think I wasted my money and my parents' savings for an overpriced degree. The learning experience wasn't fantastic. There were a lot of hit and miss during the learning process. During my independent studies, seems like what I am paying to learn at campus can be learned at home.

Forming a friendship at campus is artificial. Everybody is busy with their assignments. We talk with each other, occasionally, if we have group homework. We converse around school topics and our struggle looking for a part-time job. I have become more of a skeptic person than what I used to be. I aim to be a high achiever not because I believe it would help for a better employment but because my family and I have sacrificed a lot financially.

My teachers praised me for being able to think ahead of the other students during my graduation project. It doesn't boost my confidence though. In fact, it makes me more skeptical about my skills. Probably the teachers are suggested to praise any works of the students.

I consulted with them about the scope of my UX design. The teachers said that the outcome of my course is creating a designer not a developer. So I just have to create until prototype stage and a presentation in any format I am familiar with. My project will be considered a finished product if it is clear for a developer to carry out to the next process.

All seems easy and doable. But, I don't think in working environment it would be this easy. I am sure a developer will have some degree of involvement during design process. There are some process in the real world that isn't reflected in the class. I can say this because I had some experience in web design. Even back then, a programmer had some involvement in the design stage. So that the final outcome of the website would have a design aesthetics and functionality.

I am tired of studying. I like being in class and being a student. I like learning new things. What's the point of learning if I can't use my currently acquired qualifications to get a job?

The future is bleak.


Social media is a good way to update myself about the life of my classmates. Some are married with kids, some are just married and expecting while some are still single but having a good job. It is not the achievement or the new chapter in their lives that I am going to comment. It is how fast the time flies.

Once, we were students carrying the course of the future in our hands. Now, we are the generation that will pass the course of the future to the next generation. I felt I always had the time of my life when I was younger. I could delay doing something and do it later, because I knew time could wait for me. Unfortunately, time does not wait for anyone.

Rich or poor, young or old, are given 24 hours a day. Time does not discriminate. If you lose money, you could make it up another time. But, if you lose your time, you waste your life. Our precious possession in life should not be money, luxury cars or homes. But, time itself.


My life was just alright before you. Neither bad or good. Just me, myself and I. Staying or leaving is just another option in life, because I have nothing to lose. I only have myself on my mind. "I'm alone and will always be alone," was my consolation mantra.

Now I know you. I have got reason to stay. But, the reason alone isn't enough. There's bigger power outside of my control. I will enjoy the moment while it lasts. If I have to go, I am happy that we met and have you as part of my life.

Thank you...