Questioning My Ethic

I met my parents today. They were stopping by for a few hours before catching the next plane to their next destination.

Each time I meet my parents, I end up contemplating how feeble we are when we become old. My mom is going to have a surgery to remove the cyst in her ovary on January next year. I noticed that my dad's face shows onset face weakness. He said that it's because he's often exposed to the wind, but I don't think so. It's a symptom of light stroke and it will come one day.

I am sad sometimes, because I can't afford a holiday for my parents. The fact that I can't even afford medical support for my parents is more saddening. My dad has passed his retirement age, but his company keeps hiring him because he's a good employee. For the moment, my parents don't need my financial support for medical treatment or holiday, but one day, the day will come and that's frightening! I barely can support my life and I have to stretch my money until the next payday.

I am seeing myself as an individualist. I'm exercising my life goals and dislike anything that's in my way to achieve the goals. One day, my parents will become unable to support themselves and be my burden and hindrance for my future achievements. Even though I am financially independent, in the back of my head, it's nice to have the thought that I can ask for some financial support in the time of need. The motive to use my parents as financial tool is torturing me!

I keep having dialog with myself. One side is comforting my motive. My parents have lived a full life, so I shouldn't feel sorry if I am using them. I still have a long life waiting ahead if I don't die because of crime, persecution or accident. But, the other side of myself is condemning me! It keeps asking where's my ethic? Isn't it a norm that grown ups should support their parents financially whether they can afford or not? The evil side of me defends, "FUCK the norm!!! My parents bring me to this world to carry on their legacy. They are using me as a tool too. So it's a win-win solution."

An individualist need not be an egoist, but the border is a paper thin. It is a problematic matter.

Hostel Living

I lived in a three-story building. There was a restaurant on the ground floor. I had a huge living room with a pool table, WII, and a TV and DVD player. My living room also had a big ice cream freezer and a big refrigerator filled with booze.

I didn't own the whole place. I rented just a bunk bed on the third floor. I shared my bedroom with seven people. Depending on the season, sometimes the room could be filled with a bunch of noisy travelers, a quiet solo traveler or just myself.

Living in a hostel was like living in a student dorm. It was a thrilling life experience that I had never learned formally in school. Hostel living never ceased to amuse me. New faces everyday and new friends to go out with on weekends. Life was good. I lived in the hostel for over a year.

Too bad, good things have to come to an end. They left the hostel one by one. Some had to go back to their home countries to continue their studies and some had to go to other country for work.

Life began to be lonely without your friends. Of course, I still met a couple of great people at the hostel. But, they didn't stay for long. I was reluctant to keep in touch with new acquaintances.

My hostel doesn't accommodate a long staying guest. There were a few occasions that I had to change dorm. That was when a group of guests is booking my dorm. I had to shift to another dorm, even though I had had paid the dorm for a month. The hostel became so noisy when they arrived. Moving my stuffs to another dorm and moved them back to my dorm was troublesome. That was why I moved out from the hostel and rent a room at a shared flat.

Sometimes, I miss the time to linger at the hostel lounge while talking with my friends. We used to talk about how our days were, gossiping who was with whom or which guests that had offended another guests. Those were good times.

Journey of Self Discovery

My parents were born after the second world war. I think, their perception of a successful life is similar with those of the older generation. Study well, get a good job, work hard, get married, have kids, retire, and die happily.

I wanted to have a big house with a pool when I was a kid. I don't know why I wanted it. Probably it would be cool to have one. I wanted to be an engineer when I was at elementary, because I wanted to invent a time machine. I wanted to be an architect when I was in high school. I didn't have passion for buildings, but I like drawing. My graduation grade wasn't enough to enroll to architecture school. So, I chose design school to the dismay of my parents.

I work for two years in my hometown. I didn't have intention to move to Jakarta. But, a turn of event made me to do it. I was fired. The company was a start up company and didn't have enough cash flow to keep the company running.

I thought my journey of self discovery would stop after moving to the capital city. I became wary and questioning myself, "Have I been successful? Am I happy? Am I at the end of my journey?"

I set my eyes to Singapore. I thought I could settle down and spend my life in this new country. I was wrong. That questions keep haunting me like ghost from the past.

Australia is my next destination. Will I be settling there? I don't know. Time will help me to answer it.

Journey of self discovery is a journey of a life time and it is redefined after I reach a goal in life.

My parents measure happiness by how much they have. I measure my happiness by how much I experience.

Celebrating Three Decades of Survival: A Reflection

When I was starting my 20s, I feel like having all the time in the world to do anything. This is a recap of the last decade of my life and a reflection.

My goal was heavily shaped by my parents when I was in my early 20s. It's not surprising because I was living with them at that time. At the time I was living with my parents, I used material possession and location of where one is living as a parameter of achievement. I envied my friends that could live, study, travel and work abroad. I envied how easy it was for them to switch country. I was just starting my career as a low pay graphic designer at that time. Slowly, I earned more money and I could save more. Then I moved to Jakarta. Away from my parents. Gradually, my goal, my parameter of achievement, and my perspective of life started to change when I live apart from them.

I was exposed to backpacker's life when I was staying in a hostel during my travel in Singapore. Wordly possession and living location isn't a matter to me anymore. How much I can explore this vast world and experiencing local's living are my new parameter of achievement. That's it. Traveling the world is my goal now.

I find it amazing when I met a backpacker that can travel from one country to another for years and years. Supporting his/her life with any job that he/she can find along the way. Picking up a new languages during the journey, meeting various people, and experiencing life as a local. My decision to work in Singapore, partially because I want to save money with higher exchange currency than my native country. So that I can travel further.

I am grateful that I could save enough money to sustain my life in Singapore during the first 2 months of unemployment. It took two years to save that bloody money and I was nearly bankrupt in the end of the second month. I was ready to pack back to Jakarta and forget about Singapore. Luckily I got my first job. I worked for six months at that company and it was a hell of eye opening experience. What I thought I know enough about graphic design, turned out to be nothing. I realized how ignorant I was about my field of work. I didn't read any book and didn't bother to improve my skills. I resigned from that job and was ready to pack back to Jakarta.

But, my friend convinced my that I can do better in Singapore rather than in Jakarta. I pushed my luck once more. A week later I got a new job. It's not a flattering job because I am making classified advertisement for newspaper and once in a while I do real design job. I said to myself, I am just working for the end result (money). Then I got bored with my Monday to Friday routine. There are questions that keep rumbling in my mind. What am I going to achieve next? Where am I going to be next? Will I be happy with just earning the money? Will I be able to transfer some knowledge to my juniors if I decide to go back to Jakarta?

How shallow it is if I am just working for the money. That means I will learn nothing and just be a so so graphic designer. I won't be proud of myself when I am in my 40s and reflecting back to my 30s. I have to love my job, I have to be more observant when doing the job, I have to be able to do the job efficiently. These are my homework.

I just turned 30 today. I have fulfilled some of the check list I made in my early 20s.

... And I am grateful for it.

I Am So Tired

I am going to resign. I have been trying to find another job in Singapore but not desperately trying because I have scheme what I plan to do if the worse case scenario happens. Which is going back to Indonesia.

I want to take 6 months break from job hunting. I want focus my time to improve my skills. I want to review my Japanese skills, improve my drawing skill, pick up digital coloring skill and pick up other skills that relate to my field of work, read design books, read history books, read biology books, and other subjects that triggers my curiousity.

The sole purpose of this is I want to stimulate my brain and pick up new skills. I am hoping after 6 months I can revamp my portfolio and resume. So that I can apply for the job I want confidently, because I have the skills and sufficient knowledge. I barely have time to enrich myself, pick up new skills, or read books in my spare time while I am working. After work, I have an urge to socialize!

I have been working for 6 years. I feel unsatisfied about the works I have produced. Whenever I see my previous work, I always think I could do better. I feel like a robot at work. I'm losing my creativity. I do what I am told. I feel like I am out of track. No strong solid ground to defend or justify the reason of my artwork. I have to make a design that is beyond visually good. I want to make a design that answers the problem. I want to make a design that gives solution!

Every time I have interviews at companies that I am dying to work for, the interviewers are always doubting my skills. They said that I may have the potential but my portfolio isn't convincing! I am so jealous with my friends that have worked with big names.

My parents disapprove my idea. They think it's just waste of time and money. Their concept of success is working at a good company and earning a sum of money that can fulfill your desirable lifestyle. They are the type of persons that always look to the sky but doesn't realize that to reach the sky they have to build a rocket and to build a rocket they need a sufficient knowledge to build one.

My steps are stumbled. My breath is heavy. I feel like carrying weight on my shoulders.

I feel so tired...