Questioning My Ethic

I met my parents today. They were stopping by for a few hours before catching the next plane to their next destination.

Each time I meet my parents, I end up contemplating how feeble we are when we become old. My mom is going to have a surgery to remove the cyst in her ovary on January next year. I noticed that my dad's face shows onset face weakness. He said that it's because he's often exposed to the wind, but I don't think so. It's a symptom of light stroke and it will come one day.

I am sad sometimes, because I can't afford a holiday for my parents. The fact that I can't even afford medical support for my parents is more saddening. My dad has passed his retirement age, but his company keeps hiring him because he's a good employee. For the moment, my parents don't need my financial support for medical treatment or holiday, but one day, the day will come and that's frightening! I barely can support my life and I have to stretch my money until the next payday.

I am seeing myself as an individualist. I'm exercising my life goals and dislike anything that's in my way to achieve the goals. One day, my parents will become unable to support themselves and be my burden and hindrance for my future achievements. Even though I am financially independent, in the back of my head, it's nice to have the thought that I can ask for some financial support in the time of need. The motive to use my parents as financial tool is torturing me!

I keep having dialog with myself. One side is comforting my motive. My parents have lived a full life, so I shouldn't feel sorry if I am using them. I still have a long life waiting ahead if I don't die because of crime, persecution or accident. But, the other side of myself is condemning me! It keeps asking where's my ethic? Isn't it a norm that grown ups should support their parents financially whether they can afford or not? The evil side of me defends, "FUCK the norm!!! My parents bring me to this world to carry on their legacy. They are using me as a tool too. So it's a win-win solution."

An individualist need not be an egoist, but the border is a paper thin. It is a problematic matter.