Suicidal

Have you ever felt it?

I have it since high school. I didn't fit in with the classmates and they often picked me as the target of their bullying. At that moment I wished I hadn't been born. I wished that sky would fall down on me. I wished for the earth to crack open and devour me.

I took pills but it didn't work. I got stomachache and kept puking for few days. I got a stomachache and puked for a few days. Then I was thinking about cutting my wrists but was too scared to do it. I Also had the idea to jump from a high floor but didn't have the guts.

Years passed but I still have these feelings when I get depressed.

Solved and 100% Independent

Quarrel with mom has been solved. Our relationship has been recovered. We met on last Christmas. I asked apology to her and forgiven. Since the quarrel I am committing to be 100% independent financially from parents which are:

1. Not using credit card because the bill is addressed to them.
2. Not overusing cellphone. Although I transfer money to pay my bill. Mom covers the excess because I only pay the minimum payment of the cellphone
3. Saving money in my own account. In the past years I divided my income to 2 accounts. I keep the money I want to spend in my own account while the money I want to save is transferred to mom's account. It's basically my money though. Only under her name. She doesn't save anything there. Occasionally when I am out of money and the salary payment is late, I ask mom to transfer some money to my dry account. Now I manage my own income and expenses on my own and in my own account.

My Life Without Me

A twenty something wife and a mother of 2 daughters is diagnosed with ovary tumor and doesn't have much time left on earth. She writes down a list about things she will do before she dies. Among others are giving birthday tapes to her daughters until they are 18, finding new wife for her husband whom the girls like, and cheating with another man then makes him falling in love with her.

I like all the points of her list but not the cheating part. If I were her and only have 2 months living on earth, I'd resign from my job and go backpacking. I'll go further than just across Asia. I'll pull to Europe if I don't like on the trip between Asia countries.

Where do I get the budget?

That's good question which I already have the question. I'll draw money from my dad's account which he has saved to support me to Singapore.