My parents were born after the second world war. I think, their perception of a successful life is similar with those of the older generation. Study well, get a good job, work hard, get married, have kids, retire, and die happily.
I wanted to have a big house with a pool when I was a kid. I don't know why I wanted it. Probably it would be cool to have one. I wanted to be an engineer when I was at elementary, because I wanted to invent a time machine. I wanted to be an architect when I was in high school. I didn't have passion for buildings, but I like drawing. My graduation grade wasn't enough to enroll to architecture school. So, I chose design school to the dismay of my parents.
I work for two years in my hometown. I didn't have intention to move to Jakarta. But, a turn of event made me to do it. I was fired. The company was a start up company and didn't have enough cash flow to keep the company running.
I thought my journey of self discovery would stop after moving to the capital city. I became wary and questioning myself, "Have I been successful? Am I happy? Am I at the end of my journey?"
I set my eyes to Singapore. I thought I could settle down and spend my life in this new country. I was wrong. That questions keep haunting me like ghost from the past.
Australia is my next destination. Will I be settling there? I don't know. Time will help me to answer it.
Journey of self discovery is a journey of a life time and it is redefined after I reach a goal in life.
My parents measure happiness by how much they have. I measure my happiness by how much I experience.
Journey of Self Discovery
Celebrating Three Decades of Survival: A Reflection
When I was starting my 20s, I feel like having all the time in the world to do anything. This is a recap of the last decade of my life and a reflection.
My goal was heavily shaped by my parents when I was in my early 20s. It's not surprising because I was living with them at that time. At the time I was living with my parents, I used material possession and location of where one is living as a parameter of achievement. I envied my friends that could live, study, travel and work abroad. I envied how easy it was for them to switch country. I was just starting my career as a low pay graphic designer at that time. Slowly, I earned more money and I could save more. Then I moved to Jakarta. Away from my parents. Gradually, my goal, my parameter of achievement, and my perspective of life started to change when I live apart from them.
I was exposed to backpacker's life when I was staying in a hostel during my travel in Singapore. Wordly possession and living location isn't a matter to me anymore. How much I can explore this vast world and experiencing local's living are my new parameter of achievement. That's it. Traveling the world is my goal now.
I find it amazing when I met a backpacker that can travel from one country to another for years and years. Supporting his/her life with any job that he/she can find along the way. Picking up a new languages during the journey, meeting various people, and experiencing life as a local. My decision to work in Singapore, partially because I want to save money with higher exchange currency than my native country. So that I can travel further.
I am grateful that I could save enough money to sustain my life in Singapore during the first 2 months of unemployment. It took two years to save that bloody money and I was nearly bankrupt in the end of the second month. I was ready to pack back to Jakarta and forget about Singapore. Luckily I got my first job. I worked for six months at that company and it was a hell of eye opening experience. What I thought I know enough about graphic design, turned out to be nothing. I realized how ignorant I was about my field of work. I didn't read any book and didn't bother to improve my skills. I resigned from that job and was ready to pack back to Jakarta.
But, my friend convinced my that I can do better in Singapore rather than in Jakarta. I pushed my luck once more. A week later I got a new job. It's not a flattering job because I am making classified advertisement for newspaper and once in a while I do real design job. I said to myself, I am just working for the end result (money). Then I got bored with my Monday to Friday routine. There are questions that keep rumbling in my mind. What am I going to achieve next? Where am I going to be next? Will I be happy with just earning the money? Will I be able to transfer some knowledge to my juniors if I decide to go back to Jakarta?
How shallow it is if I am just working for the money. That means I will learn nothing and just be a so so graphic designer. I won't be proud of myself when I am in my 40s and reflecting back to my 30s. I have to love my job, I have to be more observant when doing the job, I have to be able to do the job efficiently. These are my homework.
I just turned 30 today. I have fulfilled some of the check list I made in my early 20s.
... And I am grateful for it.
I Am So Tired
I am going to resign. I have been trying to find another job in Singapore but not desperately trying because I have scheme what I plan to do if the worse case scenario happens. Which is going back to Indonesia.
I want to take 6 months break from job hunting. I want focus my time to improve my skills. I want to review my Japanese skills, improve my drawing skill, pick up digital coloring skill and pick up other skills that relate to my field of work, read design books, read history books, read biology books, and other subjects that triggers my curiousity.
The sole purpose of this is I want to stimulate my brain and pick up new skills. I am hoping after 6 months I can revamp my portfolio and resume. So that I can apply for the job I want confidently, because I have the skills and sufficient knowledge. I barely have time to enrich myself, pick up new skills, or read books in my spare time while I am working. After work, I have an urge to socialize!
I have been working for 6 years. I feel unsatisfied about the works I have produced. Whenever I see my previous work, I always think I could do better. I feel like a robot at work. I'm losing my creativity. I do what I am told. I feel like I am out of track. No strong solid ground to defend or justify the reason of my artwork. I have to make a design that is beyond visually good. I want to make a design that answers the problem. I want to make a design that gives solution!
Every time I have interviews at companies that I am dying to work for, the interviewers are always doubting my skills. They said that I may have the potential but my portfolio isn't convincing! I am so jealous with my friends that have worked with big names.
My parents disapprove my idea. They think it's just waste of time and money. Their concept of success is working at a good company and earning a sum of money that can fulfill your desirable lifestyle. They are the type of persons that always look to the sky but doesn't realize that to reach the sky they have to build a rocket and to build a rocket they need a sufficient knowledge to build one.
My steps are stumbled. My breath is heavy. I feel like carrying weight on my shoulders.
I feel so tired...
Red Light District Tour
I went to Geylang area for a tour tonight. Even though I had been expecting to see this famous district of Singapore, this tour was not planned. I was scared that I would be harassed because I was wearing hot pants. An Indian guy who is staying at the same hostel with me said it should not be a problem. Girls are completely safe even at 2 am.
He is my guide to tour around the area. He said that the area was more lively about two years ago. He could see girls on the street. Now the girls are waiting inside the brothel. I passed by a brothel and I could see them sitting inside a big glass room. They looked like they were sitting inside a giant aquarium. The girls working in this area are Chinese, Thai, Bangladeshi, Spanish and even Indonesian.
At the other corner of Geylang, we met a group of transvestites from Thailand. There were around five or six of them. One transvestite was sitting on the side walk. His legs were wide open. No panties... I could see his bushy pubic hair!!! Oh bloody sweet Geezus! He was not pleased when we walked across them. He shouted at us in Thai and one of his friends chased us yelling, "Fuck you!" I was scared that he would beat us into a pulp.
At the other corner, we met a nice Malay Singaporean girl. She sat on the sidewalk with no panties and I could see her thing too. We had a little chat. She said that a decent girl walking in this area must be accompanied by a male companion. If not, the police officers will mistakenly think the girl is a prostitute and put her in jail.
I wanted to take some pictures around the area but I was afraid it would cause trouble. It was a thrilling experience. My feet are tired because of walking around the area. I am not going to revisit Geylang in any time soon. The transvestites really scared the shit out of me!
I Shouldn't Have Given Up My Bunk
My bedroom in my hostel is a big dormitory room with a lot of double bed bunks. I always prefer to sleep on the lower bunk because I can put up a cover around my bed. It feels like I am building a tent.
One day, a whole Malaysian family came to the hostel. Uncle Tong, the person in charge at that time, asked me to give up my bunk for one night. He would trade it with a better bunk in the female dormitory. I was happy to sleep in the female dormitory because it's cleaner, more private, and the bathroom has a big mirror.
The next day, I saw a big backpack on my bed. A new guest had taken over my bed!!! I had to sleep on the upper bed in the corner of the room. It was disaster because the ceiling was leaking at night when it was raining hard. The water hit me bull's eye on the forehead. CRAP!!!
I changed my head to the other direction of the bed and it was even worse. The air conditioner was a few centimeters above my head and it blew directly to my face. I got runny nose in less than a minute. I shouldn't have listened to the old man and this wouldn't have happened.
Luckily the guest only occupied the bed for two nights. I moved to my original bed as fast as I can when she moved out. It's good to have my bunk back.